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Mom had surgery 6 months ago. She had a ruptured hernia and they patched her up. She is back in the hospital with another hernia and bowel obstruction. Doctor said surgery would be intense and this is a difficult thing to fix because the scar tissue from surgeries increases likelihood of recurrence. The original surgery was traumatic for her. She has severe cognitive decline. She is combative with the staff, kept pulling the tube out of her nose and the IVs out so they tied her hands in "mittens" that were tied to the bed. When I got to the hospital the day they put her in restraints she was having a panic attack and writhing in agony. It was horrific.
If her bowel is in knots from scar tissue and the surgeries put her through hell, it calls into question repeating surgeries. At what point will the doctor say there is nothing more they can do besides feed her intravenously? What if mom refuses another surgery? I am her medical POA but I don't want to keep torturing her to keep her alive when her quality of life is so poor.
Thanks for sharing any experience with this.

I’m sorry you’re going through this with your mom, I agree it does sound horrific. Unfortunately it’s rare for a doctor to admit that more surgery, more treatment, is a bad idea as they are trained to heal. But this doesn’t sound like healing, it sounds like hurting and further confusing a lady with an already muddled mind. In your shoes I’d be asking about the best steps to keep her pain free and comfortable, likely using hospice. I wish you and mom much peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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My uncle died of a bowel obstruction a couple of years ago because surgery was not an option at his age.

My view is that an elder who's suffering from advanced dementia should have no life extending surgeries anyway. Death is the only relief they can get from their suffering, and I used to pray for God to take my mother out of her misery for a year or two when she lived in Memory Care.

I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you good luck and Godspeed with a difficult situation.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Time for palliative care or hospice.
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Reply to Sandra2424
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"Doctor said surgery would be intense and this is a difficult thing to fix because the scar tissue from surgeries increases likelihood of recurrence."

There is your answer. He is telling you not to allow this surgery. IMO, its time for Hospice and the Morphine it provides. I would not put my Mom through this and my RN daughter would probably back me up.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I completely agree with everyone. Why put her through anesthesia, surgery, then recovery if there's no end to the problem and her suffering.
I would get hospice involved to keep her comfortable. That's what I would do if it were my mom. It's the most caring/loving thing you can do.
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Reply to Firefly71
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Beethoven13 Feb 22, 2026
Agreed. And I would insist on an inpatient hospice facility who will dispense all the pain medications, provide the custodial care like keeping her clean and dry, and comfortable. Or a hospice house which is specialized in end of life care. Family just gets a rest and support until the end. Watching bird feeder and rolling wheel chair walks outside in the sun while hospice facility staff handles dirty diapers and hygiene and pain control and all the unseemly things about dying. . Don’t take her home with hospice. You will provide all the care and it’s extremely stressful. If she has a bowel obstruction that is extremely painful. Insist that hospice, if you choose this, keep her inpatient hospice with IV pain medication until she dies. They will try to temporize and “get her stable” and send her home for you to administer pain medicine and anxiety medicine around the clock. It’s cheaper for them. Insist she stay at inpatient hospice or hospice house ( not a skilled nursing facility) with full hospice support until she dies.
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It really sounds like it is time for hospice, not surgery. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I would agree with many answers. I once had a back Surgeon, who could've done a surgical procedure to assist Mom with pain. He looked me directly in the eyes and said if this was my Mom, I'd try the pain injection and not surgery. Which is what we did and I've never regretted it.
In patient hospice or palliative care are for both the patient and the family. Now is the time to let others support you through what is difficult enough already.
I'm praying for you, your Mom and your family as you navigate this challenging time.
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Reply to shancantu
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This is terrible. If this were my mother, I would begin hospice and keep her on pain meds so that she is comfortable. I agree with you that I wouldn't put her through this surgery because her quality of life is poor.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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My mom had the same. We opted to do surgery knowing the risks. However bowel obstruction is very painful and no amount of pain medication can completely help unless shes put on a ventilator which she did not want nor did we. So surgery done and she survived it. So weigh your options. Large amount of pain meds and respiratory depression to the point of not breathing or surgery and risk death or the painful recovery . So sorry youre having to make this decision. If shes able to understand it all maybe see what she says. My guess being her condition she will choose pain relief. Praying for you both
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Reply to Kalamazootx1
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I vote no for surgery .
Don’t Doctor shop because if you do you will eventually find a surgeon who will be willing to do it in a heartbeat .
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Reply to waytomisery
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