Hello all,
I am the Power of Attorney for our dad who has dementia...I live a few hours away from him... My younger brother Paul lives with him and cares for him 24x7 at this point...He has respite care and other assistance multiple days per week.
I pay all of the bills online (that I am aware of), but the problem I currently have is that Paul refuses to send me any of his past mail (which would include any outstanding bills), or any of his spending receipts (which he agreed to do when dad returned to his home from out of state in mid 2024 after being diagnosed with advanced dementia)...Paul was consistently mailing me the accumulated mail and receipts for about a year, but I've received nothing since Sept 2025...I recently put in a change of address for the mail so it will now come to me instead.
Paul also refuses to maintain any or sort of budget in regard to spending, which has been an ongoing issue since he has been an adult (he's now in his mid 50's), which is why I send have sent him a check on a monthly basis that is more than enough to cover daily living expenses...I've tried reaching out to him on multiple occasions to try and resolve whatever differences exist, to see if the financial arrangement needs to be amended, but he refuses to reply because he is of the opinion that he is in charge of everything and I answer to him rather than vice versa.
I reached out to a mediator to try and help put our differences aside, but Paul told the mediator that he would not participate unless I first paid all of his outstanding bills (which I assume means that he has non-agreed to expenditures that are above and beyond the monthly 'stipend' that I send to him).
I believe he takes good care of our dad but I can't go on under this arrangement...I don't want to vindictively move our dad into an adult living center and kick him to the curb but I also can't continue to deal with his lack of cooperation or letting him spend money on a whim as it appears he is.
Any thoughts as to how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Tom
What kind of receipts was he sending, and has stopped? For his expenses?
It's hard to get someone to make out a budget if they never really have. He may find that too difficult for him to do. Maybe you can help him, over the phone, when he claims extra expenses, ask him what they are for. He may find it easier to do verbally, rather than creating a budget or expense sheet.
If he was sending receipts to you for a year, you can go through and figure out the monthly costs for certain common items purchased regularly. Most of our expenses are pretty consistent. For instance, I know from past purchases how much I spend a month on diapers, wipes, gloves, nutrition drinks, etc. I go through the same amount every month.
I wonder why he is hiding "outstanding bills" that he expects you to pay, but without telling you what they are. He could feel like he's being treated like a child, and resents asking for every cent. If you won't pay for "non-agreed expenditures", does he have any other source of income to pay for his own personal needs? If he is taking care of dad 24/7, he has no money other than what you give to him.
I would feel better if you paid him an income, through a payroll service, which will take out the appropriate taxes. If your brother continues in this job for years, with a "stipend" for pay, he is losing out on contributing to his own social security account and it will hurt him in retirement. Believe me, this is something I never gave much thought to until I turned 62.
If the mediator is doing their job, they should find a way to bring your brother's issues to the table. Isn't that what the mediator is for?
It sounds like you are trying to manage this from a distance. It might be helpful if you can take a week and go see your brother and your dad. Seeing what their day-to-day is like in person may help you to understand their needs and may even get your brother to open up and start meaningful dialogue with you.
Also tell Paul that any expenses that are not pre approved will not be paid until they are reviewed by the attorney.
You would also be within your "power" as POA to place dad in a MC facility and sell the house that will help pay for his care. Paul can then find another place to live and have to locate another "gravy train" to supplement his income.
Have a care contract drawn up that is very specific as to what Paul’s duties are and how much he gets paid. Paul should be paid a decent wage for caregiving , not just expenses . You may be surprised at how much Paul should actually be paid.
Paul has been living off our dad's time for his entire life, and for the most part under his roof...While dad lived out of state for about 15 years until returning home Paul continued living in the house under the guise of 'taking care of it'...His only expenses were his food and good times, as dad paid for the taxes, utilities, and all other necc expenses.
I appreciate your thoughts
Caring for your loved one at home us much less expensive than in a facility. You did not mention whether expenses drastically increased or whether you are just annoyed he stopped sending you the statements.
It sounds to me that sibling issues might be clouding your judgment. Your dad shouldn't be a pawn in this. Your dad made his decisions about your brother and he also decided, probably wisely, to make you POA. It sounds like he was fine with the "mooching."
I am not saying your brother is free to spend all of your dad's money however he likes. But your post drips with scorn for him. I think you should find an eldercare lawyer or a therapist or a geriatric case manager who can help you objectively evaluate the situation.
He's a free loader or as another mentioned, perhaps mentally / cognitively incapable.
I wouldn't be thanking God for the brother ???
This doesn't make any sense.
The one to thank God for is the writer here (son or daughter?) - who cares and is being responsible.
As I think I said before, I suggest that you take the bills and receipts that you already have, and set up online accounts to autopay and pay off past balances (that are legitimate) to demonstrate that you are acting in good faith and don't want your brother's refusal to submit bills to cause deprivation to your dad.
I know a family member who was an excellent caregiver but made a total mess of the finances, fighting against turning over any of that to competent relatives because of ego issues.
It's a shame and I wish you well.
1) How old is Dad?
2) How advanced is his dementia?
3) How able is D to cope with his ADLs? (Activities of Daily Living)
4) How does D get on with Brother? Are they happy with the current arrangement?
5) Does D see this as ‘care’ or as ‘living together’?
6) You “don’t want to vindictively move D into an adult living center” so that you could “kick B to the curb”. How would D react to you moving him to an Adult Living Centre (especially if he could see that it was ‘vindictively’ aimed at B). Or to you choosing to ‘kick B to the curb’?
7) What care does D need? What care is D getting from B? How are any gaps being dealt with?
8) Your monthly payment “is more than enough to cover daily living expenses”. What about payment for care?
9) What is the cost and the acceptability of any alternative care option? Or any alternative co-living option?
It is clear that you don’t like B. It is also fairly clear that B objects to being asked to account to you for what he does and what he spends. You don’t say how D feels, which perhaps matters most.
Have you considered seeking counseling for yourself?
2) quite
3) he is still able to get around, brush teeth, use bathroom, and eat on his own...has accidents and needs assistance bathing
4) they coexist...unfortunately D doesn't know the difference
5) sadly D doesn't know what it is, but they live together at this point
6) sadly D doesn't know doesn't / wouldn't know the difference...This is not about my questioning how B cares for D...In not one line of anything I've written have I said otherwise.
7) B lives with D, and has respite care and other forms of relief available
8) see #7...I don't feel the need to post monetary info as much as you may want to know what that is or what it entails
9) I'm not sure, and I'm hoping to not find out...When my Dad returned home B INSISTED on him living at home and caring for him there.
Yes you're right, I don't like B for many reasons, and if you read my other posts in this thread you might understand why a little bit more...I also don't say how D feels because as I posted in the answers to your questions he is sadly gone past the point of knowing either way.
Sorry about the tone of the remarks, but "Have you considered seeking counseling for yourself" seemed a bit unnecessary.
B wants to take of D and let him live out his years comfortably at home, and I also prefer that to putting him in a home...As noted in another post I just want B him to provide me what I need to handle his finances...Is that asking too much ??...If it was a court appointed POA would he pull the same thing with them ??
For some reason you make it sound like my asking for him to prove his spending with receipts and providing me his opened (I'm sure none of it is unopened at this point) mail so I can tend to his personal business seems to be an unjust request ??
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