My mother has always been hypercritical and judgemental. I noticed it has gotten much worse since the dementia. It's hard as her caregiver because to spend time with her means I have to listen to her complain and put down everything and everyone. It's mentally exhausting. What are some ways I can steer the conversations away when it becomes too much? I want so much to make her remaining years positive and memorable, but I can't break her from the constant negativity.
You can try to redirect your mother when she starts with the complaining. My mother wouldn't have it. She'd be redirected for a minute or two, then go right back to carrying on. If I told her to please STOP complaining, well SHE wasn't complaining, she was JUST TALKING and I was always against her. And so it went, until I would have to leave for the arguing.
Nothing you do can fix your mother or make her happy. It's too late for happy. As long as she's in no danger, fed and clean, she's doing as well as can be expected. Change your expectations by lowering them, and focus on YOUR mental health now. You matter too.
Best of luck to you.
Your mom will never change, so you must be the one to learn to just walk away, as you matter too in this caregiving situation.
A few things that genuinely help:
Stop trying to redirect the content and redirect the sensory experience instead. When the negativity spiral starts, change the physical environment. Stand up. Suggest moving to another room. Turn on soft music. Offer something warm to hold or drink. The brain in dementia is heavily sensory and a physical shift can interrupt a thought loop that words never will.
Don't engage with the criticism directly. You cannot reason or reassure your way out of it and trying to do so often intensifies it. Instead of responding to what she's saying, respond to the emotion underneath it. "That sounds really frustrating mom" acknowledges her without feeding the content.
Find the window. Almost every person with dementia has a time of day when they are calmer, warmer, more themselves. For many it's mid-morning after breakfast and before the afternoon fatigue sets in. That is your window for the meaningful moments you're looking for. Don't try to force connection during the difficult hours, protect the good window fiercely.
Give yourself permission to mentally step back during the hard moments. You are her caregiver. You are not required to absorb every word as if it is the truth about you. It isn't. It is the disease.
The fact that you want her remaining years to be positive and memorable despite how difficult she is being, that tells me everything about the kind of daughter you are. She is lucky to have you even if she cannot show it right now.
It's not a topic that's discussed, but lack of human interaction in home care should be right up there with their refusal to take showers and their wandering behavior. In a memory care facility, all residents have cognitive decline. They learn to understand each other and are not shocked by bizarre behaviors. There's a lot of back-and-forth communication with different personality types as well as the aides. At home they'd be bored and stuck in a recliner watching The Andy Griffith Show for the umpteenth time while family caregiver struggles to keep up with urine-soaked laundry and three meals a day (maybe pureed).
Ge her into adult daycare and see if that helps. She'll probably still complain and argue, but at least you'd get some time off.
Perhaps being in assisted living with peers and activities would help . Or going to adult daycare . However , I find that not all parents are willing to go to adult daycare .
And some will maintain their negative attitudes no matter what . Your mother could be one that is never happy no matter what based on her history .
Redirecting the negative mood at the moment may help. Finding things to remind her to be grateful for, like the taste of her soup, the nice feeling of the warm sunshine, the melody of a nice song, maybe a trip to the zoo to be in awe of the beautiful animals, or the beach. We did these types of things and it kept life more upbeat for everyone.
It is very difficult to deal with NEGATIVE PEOPLE no doubt, but I think you are doing your best to seek out advice.
Best of luck to you both! 🙏❤️🍀
You can move on or ask her any suggestions to make it better, but you do not have to follow through
The thing is though, the angry phase ended. It took the hypercritical and judgemental behavior that I've always known since I was a kid with it. It's like she forgot how to be angry. For a couple of years, I saw the person she was before life made her bitter. Sure, she was slowly losing herself but she was calm and easy going. I can't remember her being angry or upset once during that time. Now the dementia has progressed to where she's nonverbal, but she's still pretty mellow. Except for the shrieking at times. But like with a baby, I think that's the only way she has left to communicate.
Try day care for her, which would at least give you a break.
For every negative thing she says, spin it into a positive.
"Good Morning!" "What a lovely day it is! Did you sleep well? No? Oh that's too bad. Maybe it will be better now that you are up." "Let's get you dressed and go have coffee," (or tea, or breakfast, whatever is her morning routine).
Ask, "What would you like to do today?" Try and steer her toward a variation of a hobby or activity she previously enjoyed. As her brain and body fails, and she is able to do less, you can give her small tasks that give her day purpose.
Is she able to sweep or dust? Fold kitchen towels? Match socks out of the dryer, or fold clothes out of the dryer? Give her a job making a meal plan for the week, a shopping list, or something simpler, what TV shows she will watch, or books she will read, or engaging in a hobby. Ask if she would like to go outside, or for a drive.
Her days are probably pretty boring and she hurts, and her mind doesn't work as it used to. Keeping her busy and her mind off of how bleak her life is becoming can help stave off the negative thoughts.
You can also ignore her complaints and insults. Simply keep your mind focused on your own thoughts, and pay no mind to what she says. You don't have to react to everything she says. Simply remain quiet, if you can't think of something positive to say. If she doesn't need anything from you, turn and walk out of the room every time she starts to say something negative.
Do not engage in argument over what she says. You cannot reason with the dementia brain. You cannot change her behavior, especially if this has been a lifelong pattern. Getting angry about it only hurts you and upsets her.