He has been living with my husband and I for about a year, but doesn't want to pay for caregivers and his manipulation is becoming too draining on us. When I talk about going to a nursing home, he threatens to move back to another state. Can Social Services come in and analyze his physical condition?
If he can handle a move, if he's not incompetent (whether you have POA or not) you have to lay down the law. He either hires caregivers as his contribution to your household or he leaves. If he goes back to his former state you can have APS and whoever else do occasional wellness check and evaluation but not much else. People are free to make poor decisions until they're bad enough to be judged legally incompetent.
I think if you call his bluff and tell him ok it's time for you to move out whether it be to another state or not, but make it clear that you won't be helping him, he may come to the realization that he can't handle a move and be more willing to either pay for full-time care or even to move into an assisted living facility nearby.
It's your home, you get to call the shots. Don't forget that.
Good luck, this sounds very frustrating. But you should not have to continue with a manipulative, selfish senior ruining your home life and affecting your health. Let us know how it goes.
The first thing you can do is to stop taking care of him. Tell him that it is more than you are able to do any longer, and simply refuse. He will make your life hell, I'm sure, as it sounds as if he feels entitled and is not above manipulation to get his needs/wants met.
Let him go. Let him move out. Encourage it. Some posters here say not to help him move. I dunno, I would be inclined to help facilitate his moving OUT of your house! It sounds like he is stubborn, and does not suffer from cognitive impairment, so let him try living on his own. And let him fail. Let him come to the decision to hire help or to move to an assisted living situation, that ISN'T in your house! You are Not his Assisted Living!
You can call APS to check on him and do an assessment if you worry about his safety. But, as long as he is able to make his own decisions, let him do whatever he wants. But make it clear that he needs to move out of your home and that you will not be his caregiver.
The option of hiring caregivers to come to your home will not do much to ease your life. He will still have needs when they are gone, and it will only get worse as he declines.
If your Dad is not bad enough to get a helpful opinion from a neurologist you may have more trouble asserting your POA powers. Either way, he needs to move out. I don’t think aides are a good idea. He will likely not cooperate with them and hour for hour that kind of one on one help is more expensive. AL living is not a perfect solution. You will still have to manage his care and oversee a lot of things. It can be more like having a 24/7 very high priced babysitting service. But, if you find a good one, it can be better. It gets you your privacy, may save your marriage, and gets him socialization he is probably lacking.
If he moves into a house as a temporary bridge to managed care, you probably should try to find something close and small. You will need to hire an aide in that case - at least for a few hours. You don’t want to be trying to manage his problems from a distance so moving to another state is a no go unless there is other family to help. That is hard to do and also time consuming. It is all about time. YOUR TIME! You only have so much and have to prioritize that while helping him if that is what you choose to do. But YOU call the shots - not him. If you can’t get a plan that mutually works then you can and should wash your hands of it. But if you think you will have to re-enter the fray at some point then try to steer him from living arrangements that will make your life worse in the future when you have to take over.
If you had a bad or abusive past relationship with your father, none of the above may apply. In that case - he is on his own. Do what you can - not what you can’t.
Unless he is declared mentally incompetent seniors have free will and are free to move to other states and other countries and regularly do so.
APS may be of some assistance to you and it's worth giving them a call. If they know you will legally evict him, they will help get him into care.
Blessings
There comes a time when you / a family member / or a person with legal authority (in some capacity) needs to make decisions.
Soc sec doesn't do these evaluations.
Contact Adult Protective Services
Hire an ind (medical) social worker to manage his care, if you are unable to.
Talk to his MD
Call the Senior Services Dept at your Hall of Justice for referrals
Call a Dementia Association and ask for support.
As you learn more about what dementia is and how to interact with a person inflicted, you will realize that your father getting upset / frustrated is very normal. He doesn't want change. He wants what is familiar, even if he is very confused. He is scared.
If you do not have legal authority to start making some decisions regarding his quality of life / welfare, and finances, it is time you get these matters in order.
From what you say, he shouldn't be allowed to handle anything to do with his finances.
When you (know its normal/) expect a person to have a tantrum or be very upset, then you are not a 'deer in the headlights' when it happen
You will be prepared / know to say (and even then, it is by trial and error) in these sensitive, difficult situations.
"I understand you are upset"
"I hear you saying xxx"
"Reflect his words back to him so he knows you are listening --- that he is heard and respected.
You do not go into long (or even short) explanations because this will only add more fuel to the already fire. You tell him he's going for a ride - perhaps to visit a friend OF YOURS.
When you are there, you tell him its temporary.
You tell him the plumbing (or roof) needs to be fixed ... and when that is finished, he'll come home. It'll be soon.
He give him H O P E --- and as needed, you say
"Oh, I agree with you" and then change the subject.
You do not want to start an argument of who is right as in his mind, he is - right - and he knows what he wants. Period. You let him know you understand and then leave it alone.
You do what is required to keep him calm (this means telling what whatever is necessary to meet that objective). Its a fine dance - dementia and the changing brain. The 'best' or one way to manage is being cognizant to project how he feels and thinks - this is where compassion comes from.
Gena / Touch Matters
It is wrong to tell a person they're going to visit a friend then drop them off at a care facility. That's along the same lines as in WWII they told the people to get on the trains because they were being relocated to work. We all know where they were being taken but keeping everyone calm while getting there... Let the person throw a tantrum. Let the care facility know that the person is a hostile transfer. They will help and they know how to handle it.
The therapeutic lie of telling them it's only temporary is okay to do for the first few weeks. After that if a person continues to believe they're going home, they will never acclimate to their new environment. When a person is put into a care facility, that IS their home and it's best if they get used to it. Giving a person who is going to be permanently living in a care facility false hope about 'going home' only makes their life harder and the jobs of the staff who have to provide their care. If they're far gone in dementia that they don't remember being told something from one moment to the next, that's different. The roof is still being fixed. Or there was a flood and they can't move back in yet. The OP's father doesn't sound like he's that far gone in dementia yet.
He may still be able to acclimate to facility life, make some friends, and have some socialization.
No one wants to get placed, but it's wrong to just drop them off when they think they're going for ice cream or something.
this is called ...Calling his bluff.
If he does manage to move out and go to another State...your problem is solved.
If he can't manage to move out and go to another State you LEGALLY Evict him and the option is moving into Assisted Living, Independent Living or other apartment of his choosing.
I think at this time since he has established residency at hour home he has to be Legally evicted.
If at ANY time he is in the Hospital you tell the medical staff that you need to talk to a Social Worker. you tell the Social Worker that you can no longer SAFELY care for him at home and he can not care for himself. You need help finding a facility that will meet his care needs.
Do not back down at this point.
Everything was fine, so long as someone was there petting her, cooking, cleaning, running around for her. She was getting oh, so spoiled and admitted it.
She had knee replacement surgery, got rid of the help I got in for her, her neighbor moved away, and I told her I wasn't going to be coming as much anymore and I would like to get a new caregiver there to help when she comes home.
She flew into a rage and started with, "I'm not listening to any of you anymore. I'm a grown woman and I am still calling the shots. I don't need anyone coming in here helping me do anything! I'm capable myself". She also pretty much told me she was done with me. LOL! OKAAY. I plumb stopped coming by.
Month or so later, I asked my cousin how she was coming along, and cousin told me she ended up getting aunt a much needed caregiver.
Funny, she barked and raged at me when I suggested bringing back a caregiver, but once I stopped being her puppet, she agreed she needed help and hired one again.
Can social services come in and analyze his physical condition? I think so.
We had taken my aunt to the doctor and he just asked her a few questions, like repeat three words and draw a clock at the time he requested, to which she could not do neither.
He asked that we bring her in again for further evaluation, but I don't think my family who live closer to her brought her in for, or aunt just wasn't willing to go.
I tell you, all of this has opened my eyes and it is terribly frightening.
Your dad didn't ask for this, and neither did my aunt. I walked away for my sanity because she sure was going to take it, but at the same time, I don't feel like she's getting the help she needs and it seems no one can get her there, outside of taking her to court and getting court appointed guardianship. My experience, anyway.
And I do get it, we don't want to take away autonomy or make someone feel they're being put away or what have you, but we also don't want these folks driving around, sometimes with guns, demented and paranoid. It's just such an individual thing that it's not like we can make the laws into a one size fits all solution. There is also a lack of understanding on the part of the general public about the options and the realities.
It's frightening, not just for our loved ones but thinking about the sheer numbers of people who shouldn't be driving, having guns, using the oven, etc., and just how hard it is for people to help them.
If he wants “to move back to another state” tell him to go for it. Then take him out to look at Assisted Living for lunch – not a Nursing Home, it is not a good sales pitch.