My mom is in the ICU, intubated. I was there Friday to yesterday and flew home. My mom lives in California and I live in Colorado. Now, they want to move her onto comfort care. My dad died suddenly a year ago, in my arms. I feel traumatized by witnessing his death. I am a nurse and have been present for many deaths but am extremely close with my mom and just don't think I can handle watching her die. I'm not sure what to do.
And you can always just call her on the phone and have someone hold the phone up to her ear so she can hear you, as you being a nurse already know that hearing is the last sense to go.
How fortunate you are to have a mom that you were close to and will miss after she's gone.
I believe that our souls transition long before our bodies do anyway. So really, there is no point staying with a body that is expiring, as the soul is with you already in spirit form.
My condolences on your impending loss.
Discuss with her medical team how you can be far away yet still in constant communication with your mom. Facebook? Video call? Find out what their capabilities are and tap into whatever they offer. I hope that will work for you. I'm very sorry your mom is so sick.
I'm a mom, and when the time comes, I'd rather be alone than with any of my kids hurting because I'm about to die. I view dying as an extremely personal experience, and I don't want people weeping as they sit in a room with me while I slip away. That's not the peaceful death I'm hoping for!
He didn't understand, and made me out to be this bad, cruel person. He couldn't understand I didn't want to see her go. It was bad enough seeing her suffer in the hospital for five months.
I couldn't even view her body in the coffin. I just couldn't do it. I loved her too much and didn't want those last memories.
Don't go if it will upset/traumatize you. Don't feel guilty. Even my cousin on my dad's side understood how I felt. She said most adults cannot handle it, and it's nothing to feel guilty about.
Have her moved to comfort care.
I kept to my already scheduled travel plans.
The hospice RN called me and told me Mom now had a Kennedy ulcer. She implied Mom could pass in less than 24 hours. I already had a flight previously scheduled for 5 days out. I decided to stick to my original plans even though Mom might pass. I flew up on my already purchased ticket 5 days later and Mom looked good.
I knew I'd spent a ton of time with Mom during the prior 6 years and I was okay if I was not present when she passed.
Even with the Kennedy ulcer Mom lasted almost 3 more months.
That main thing is that she is kept comfortable and pain free.
Just sending a hug.
At one point a doctor wandered into the room, saw me holding my mom's hand and said "you know she doesn't know you're here" I responded by saying "I'm doing this for me."
As it turned out? Her last day on earth I stayed by her side for 4 hrs. When I finally had to leave I just had a feeling she would go without me being there. So I kissed her on the forehead and left. Sure enough the hospital phoned 3 hrs. later to tell me she had passed.
I truly used to think that something momentous would happen when she took her final breath. Like she'd wake up at the last moment and smile or something like that. In retrospect, it was naive of me to think that. She had been gone a while. Just like that doctor said.
I think you should do what feels right for you. If you feel that being there in those last moments will traumatize you then don't do it. It doesn't mean you are letting your mom down and she may not know you are there anyway.
Instinctually I feel that my mom would not have known I was there even if I had stayed that day. I am at peace with it. Please be at peace with whatever you decide to do.
you do what you need to do
and if that means remembering mum in better days then so be it.
i always felt like that -scared
Then i thought I didnt want dad to die alone and got him out of the hospital and moved into my house so that he was around family when he passed.
it was prob the hardest decision of my life but something i felt i had to do.
Despite what they said dads still with us.
But I know the day will come -
do what you feel you have to and whatever your decision know it was the right one for you and dont feel
guilty
in the meantime you have a lot of grief inside of you simmering away ready to boil over from past trauma dealt with -
think about speaking to your doctor about counselling and releasing it in a positive way yeah
best wishes
I’m sure not all the family members of those you have worked with have been with them when they died. You were there and could provide comfort for them. I’m sure you did not think less of family who felt the same way you do. Treat yourself with the same compassion you felt for them. Sometimes it is better not to have people who are very upset present since it creates an environment of stress and I don’t think anyone wants to be surrounded by that when they pass. She knows you love her.
If you feel too traumatized already , then stay away is my advice .
FWIW , I’m a retired nurse who ended my career early because of the stress caring for my parents for over a decade .
I worked part time during that time . Dad died first . A year after Mom died I was still struggling and had to retire from nursing . I now do something happy , I’m a part time nanny for happy beautiful children .
You are absolutely correct that taking care of and watching strangers die is a whole lot different than when it’s your parents . I often think that that difference was greater than expected and was difficult to process as a nurse.
I send you a huge gentle hug. You have been through so much with the loss of your dad, and now your mom in a transition. It is a lot for any child (adult child) of a parent(s) to go through.
I can't say strongly enough - do what you need to do to support yourself.
Grief is hard enough. While I wouldn't say "don't feel guilty" because you do and it isn't something a person can say 'don't feel xxx' when you do.
I would talk to the guilt - we are all 'parts' inside (sub-personalities in Psychosynthesis). There are underlying feelings under the guilt. See if you can gently talk to that part and see what comes up. I know when I 'talk' to a part, it has a lot to say to me. Another way I understand guilt or any other feeling, the more we push it away, the more intense / present it is. Underneath the guilt could be feelings of self-compassion or the 'shoulds.'
It this is too psychologically stressful or not seeming to be helpful, perhaps when you feel guilt, remember a nice interaction you've had with your mom. Every time you shift your thoughts / your feelings may/will change. You want to 'match' the guilt feelings with positive memories and all the good that you've done over the years for your mom.
I would say to be gentle with yourself when those feelings come up and counter them with LOTS of self-compassion and self-love.
Give yourself 'credit' or self-support by reminding yourself that you did go see your mom recently. That is huge.
Surround yourself with supportive friends, co-workers, whatever you need.
Gena / Touch Matters
I am also going on a vacation next week. This is one that my husband (74) and I desperately need right now, we have been very stressed about his health issues which finally seem t be resolving. We are not youngsters with unlimited time to look forward to so we are going on this trip come hell or high water. But there is also the possibility he will die when I am on a ship and unable to get back. My husband wants this trip and we are going. My husband is my priority.
I've accepted that I might not be there for my father and I am okay with that. I am not going to be racked with guilt over it. He has dementia and I said my good byes a long time ago.
Why do you feel you need to be by your mother's side to watch her die? Does she expect this? You have to make the decision that is right for you, with no guilt.
Try talking with Mom about this. Tell her how you feel. Tell her why you can't be by her side, so at least she knows and won't expect you to be there. This may make both of you feel better. Say your last goodbyes while she is able.
Find the best place for her to receive the comfort care she deserves, and call frequently. You do not need to be in her home, nor she in your home for her final days. If she'd rather be at home, then hire 24 hour nurse and cna care for her.
His first wife died young, with him by her side. He said the image of her final moments haunted him and he couldn't remember the good times for a long time afterward.
My husband, the kindest man I know, wants to spare me that feeling, doesn't want me to remember him that way, but to remember his laugh and smile.
I have told him I'll probably be by his side anyway, because I want to be there for him. I don't know how I'll feel about it. I might not be able to handle it when the time comes.
I really think sharing these feeling with your mom will make both of you feel better.