Our mother has been in and out of hospital and nursing home/rehab 5 times over last three months. She has been bounced around from hospital, to nursing home/rehab, then back home only to repeat this process over and over times five. She gets nursed back to health and then released to go home only to get sick again 2-3 days after going home. Step dad just wants her home but doesn't provide care for her when she is home. To add to the problem, they are hoarders with a very messy house (with animals not properly cleaned up after) so when home, mother can't move freely in house and they won't allow home health in. Our mother needs to be in assisted living or nursing home care but step dad is against it and fights us. He just keeps stating that he will lose their property as that seems to be all that he cares about even though he knows she needs care. We've even explained to him that if she went on Medicaid, the property would be exempt since he is still living in it. We have been trying to convince him to apply for Medicaid, but so far he has not. Most of their money comes from her pension and social security. We have no idea of their finances to know if they would even qualify for Medicaid. We just know they have to at least try. However, he won't gather the documents needed. Sometimes we think he doesn't want to see her get better as he allows her to just lay in her own urine for days and with very little food or water. Social services has been notified, but so far hasn't been much help. There is a current open case. Stepdad is controlling and manipulative and our mother agrees that he can't care for her, but won't say anything to him. Our mother has been on the verge of death several times. However, each time is brought back to health with this most recent time being the worst. Sometimes our stepdad does things like medicates her with his medicine while the hospital is already medicating her causing her to be out of it. Or he restricts what clothes she has at the nursing home because he doesn't want her to have too much there as it "creates too much work" for him to have to carry when discharged. We even paid for meals on wheels to bring meals to them both, but he complained about that too. Her children have always helped him out. We've even tried cleaning the house. I think it all comes down to money. He doesn't want to spend any money on her for her care even though the property is hers too. If she goes home again, it will probably kill her. However, we are fighting her husband on her care. This has been very challenging for our family. We have tried just about everything and it's obvious that he does not have her best interest at heart. We just want to see that she is taken care of, but he is an obstacle with everything. So much stress and it's hard to watch this keep happening over and over again. This most recent illness we had to threaten to send the sheriff out with a wellness check if he didn't allow us to call 911 to help her. We are at a loss on what to do as we have told everyone at the hospital, nursing home, and social workers, what's going on. She has four kids, two of which are a couple hours away. We've discussed her possibly living with one of her kids but I don't think she or her husband would go for that. Also, she needs more care than we can probably provide. Does anyone have any suggestions on what we can do?
Look, the bottom line is how long have they been married? Your mother is an adult and has made her choices— whether you think they are good choices or bad choices.
You can’t make her do anything.
I have more questions than answers. But if it were my mom and my stepdad were letting her sit around in her urine all day, I'd find some way to stop it, as I know you want to do. So….stop threatening and do. Like, if mom goes home again, send the sheriff to their house to conduct a wellness check and don't tell stepdad beforehand. Don't clean up the house; let outsiders see it as it is. Mention two vulnerable adults living alone and yada yada. You probably can remain anonymous. That could get the ball rolling. Instigate through law enforcement a mandatory hold on stepdad for a psychiatric evaluation, during which mom goes back to the nursing home. DO NOT TAKE HER INTO ANY OF YOUR HOMES OR THOSE OF YOUR SIBLINGS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO CARE FOR MOM AT PRESENT.
It's time to stop handling these people with kid gloves. Don't tolerate this behavior out of respect for who they used to be. Get "mean" to get results. Once stepdad is declared mentally ill or cognitively incompetent, mom (if legally competent) can assign POA to someone besides stepdad. If not legally competent, and she may not be, you seek guardianship. Now would be a good time to consult an eldercare lawyer rather than us! I wish you luck in moving forward with what needs to be done.
Who is your mom’s Power of Attorney and Health Care proxy?
In her will, is your stepdad set to inherit her house when she passes? He may not inherit her pension though. Depends on how it was set up.
Is stepdad the one calling the ambulance each time she is hospitalized and also collecting her and bringing her home each time she is discharged from hospital /rehab? That is the point where the cycle might be broken if it’s possible.
Call 911 and tell them that your mother has been lying in urine without food for days. Tell them that it is a domestic abuse situation, that your mother agrees that your stepfather is neglecting her but she is afraid to speak up to him.
Call the state ombudsman for each facility your mother is in and report that the facility should not be releasing your mother to go home because your stepfather is abusive, neglectful, and incompetent. Again, be polite -- you want them on your side.
Call your city or county supervisor or councilperson, whoever oversees and funds social services, and report that your mother is endangered because they are not doing their job and that puts the city or county at risk of a lawsuit.
I'm so sorry. Your frustration must be off the charts.
Also that she is an unsafe discharge because of how he is treating her at the hospital and at home, his reluctance to feed or change her, and the hoard which is a problem for both of them but no one will care about unless one of them is vulnerable, which it sounds like mom is.
The fact that she has come and gone from the hospital so many times in such a short time frame will likely also trigger some kind of interest at some point from someone. But I wouldn't wait for that. I would start reporting this as soon as the offices open. If she is currently in the hospital this is your chance to try to jump in to save her from this horrible man who is abusing her.
Are you aware that sitting in urine for days will cause her flesh to break down and cause pressure sores which can and do kill people all the time? I only ask because not everyone knows this, so the fact that she is lying in urine (and feces, I assume) is very dangerous, and this should also be reported to the authorities. APS, the hospital, the rehab she goes to, her doctor, everyone. They usually look for stuff like that in hospitals and rehabs but it's also true that sometimes people get them and it's not from neglect, so it might not set off alarm bells unless they also know that her husband is unwilling/unable to take care of her, putting her life in danger.
Please update us so we know what happens, and hopefully we can be of more help to you, and you to us.
If your mother is competent and chooses to live in her home with him, then sadly, there isn't much you can do.
If your mother is willing, then I would suggest taking her to see an Elder law attorney and start a divorce, or at least a separation of assets, as I doubt the husband will agree to a divorce, because he has nothing without her.
Can she sign a POA for one of her children to take over her care decisions, as well as take over her finances, to protect what she does have? I think you are correct, that Medicaid can help, and will allow him to continue living in the home. But, they might put a lien on it when she dies. She needs to separate from this man financially, but she may not want to. You can't keep people from making bad decisions.
involved
Your mother is at risk / vulnerable
yes he is right care will seize mothers share if the property because they do steal like that
but he can’t be selfish if he’s not willing to do the work
i suggest speaking to legal and saying he’s putting her at risk and he seems unstable also giving her his medication
I wouldn’t fight with him anymore
it needs to be taken out of his hands - maybe including pets that are not being cared for
rspca ?
Best wishes
Your family member needs immediate care or else she will get bed sore sitting in her own urine and feces. It is not enough that you write on this feed: YOU MUST TAKE ACTION.
1) Speak to the social worker and the elder lawyer today to find out your options
2) An option: Move family member to your house or a relative's house temporarily and call elder protective services and demand that you be able to get in the house to clean it; ask the local police what is the best approach.
3) If you are able to clean it, hire aides (which cost a lot of money, so be prepared to share the labor with family members)
4) Tell your dad that he must rehouse the animals if there is animal feces all over the home or that he has to hire a dog walker or someone to clean the cats pan.
5) Find a assisted living or nursing facility to temporarily house your family member. If there are no immediate resources, you and your family members may have to pool resources and pay out of pocket for her care or what ever the balance is after she pays her social security and anything else.
6) Who has power of attorney and is her health care proxy? If she has none, get the paperwork assigned immediately so that you or the designated person can handle her affairs.
7) The lawyer may suggest that she has a legal guardian. This may require you to go to court. It is better to try the POA and healthcare proxy route.
8) Is the house in her name or the dad's name only?
There is no fairy godmother going to show up to manage this for you. I am sorry if this is tough love, but the sooner that you realize this the better. You must move on this today. The fact that you wrote about it on this site means that it is weighing heavy on you and that you deeply care and are worried. You are a very good person, but someone has to do the heavy lifting and it is usually an adult daughter or son.
A word on the Dad, he is wrong for not taking care of her. He may not have the wherewithall or is exhausted . He may be having his own issues, in denial, and mom may have taken care of things in the household and he just cannot handle or has checked out. He may also be worried about his future. If he gives up his biggest asset now (assuming it is joint), what will this mean for his future ? if it is in mom's name only, maybe he was counting on the house to pass to him to live in or the money to have for retirement. He is likely also thinking will he have a house to live in? Who will take care of him? You must reassure him along the way that whatever you are doing is a win-win for him and that he is protected in the future. This why you need to speak to an elder lawyer, social worker, and call a family meeting together to chart the best course forward. Good luck.
I read it at the time and it made a big impression on me. I suggest you google it and read it and proceed with caution. Depending on where you live, you need to be careful about alienating the stepdad or he could make things really difficult for you. Hopefully your mom has all her faculties and can still make all her own decisions.