Follow
Share

My spouse helps me take care of my parents. He helps prepare our meals and I do everything else. Dad cannot get around well and Mom is bedridden. I'm trying to do right by them and take good care of them. My husband is tired of us not being able to do anything or take a vacation because of them. That's hurtful for me to have to hear. My parents didn't ask for this. I know that we didn't either but here we are. I am under so much stress and don't know what to do.

Find Care & Housing
I don't blame him for complaining. Your parents have usurped your home and your marriage causing you to be under too much pressure doing too much. What about your husband? You're his wife first but you've put him third and yourself fourth. How is this fair?

Its time to get your parents placed in Skilled Nursing care now. Taking care of a bedridden patient is way too much for one person to manage at home anyway. Apply for Medicaid and use up your folks funds first, if there are any, and take your home and your marriage back.

Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

There are plenty of people who can take care of your parents, either in-home caregivers or the staff in a facility. You are your husband's only wife. You made marriage vows to him, not to your parents. No, your parents did not ask to become old and disabled, but they are being incredibly selfish to expect you and your husband to provide all their care. Stop doing this, find an alternative (at their expense, or via Medicaid if necessary), and put your marriage back together before it's too late.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to MG8522
Report

You can’t sustain this. Even if your husband was thrilled to care for them, it’s too much to do at home alone. You cannot be a nurse, pharmacist, aide, physical therapist, counselor, and entertainer all in one 24/7 for years on end.

Finding a good and safe place where they can be cared for is not “putting them in a home”. Think of how your parents cannot have any interaction with other people. Keeping them with you is isolating them more and more, and that’s not good for anyone.

It sounds like your parents assumed you’d be their retirement plan. If so, that was very selfish and irresponsible of them.

Your husband and marriage became the first priority when you said “I do”.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to LoopyLoo
Report

Just want to add, how hurtful is it for your husband to hear that your parents matter more to you than he does?
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to MG8522
Report

Start by putting your marriage and husband first. Your parents should have planned for their old age unless you were the plan all along. How is this fair to your husband? Why is he less important than your parents?
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to lkdrymom
Report

I hope you’ll choose a new plan, prioritize your marriage, enjoy some travel before your health is ruined, and not live in misplaced guilt. How fortunate you are, your husband misses you and wants your time, don’t miss it
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

Your parents didn't ask for this, but aging is not a choice. Your spouse also didn't ask for this, but you are choosing to take on the responsibilities that you have shouldered. You are correct in your assessment that you're under so much stress you can't think clearly, and that should be a great big sign that the way you're going is not sustainable.

From your brief description it doesn't sound like spouse is whining because of having to take on extra household chores, because somehow you're still doing all of those too. It sounds like spouse misses being with you. And probably can see that this will only get harder and worse.

You have lots of options at a range of prices (which your parents would pay or qualify for by being unable to) and you need to learn about them so you know what your options are. You could start by taking a break with hired help for your parents and spend a day or two away with your spouse. You don't want to lose your health or your spouse to caregiving and a lot of people do just that.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Slartibartfast
Report

Your “80 year old mother is 300 lbs and immobile” – and bed ridden. And then there is your 80 year old father as well. Sure you are “trying to do right by them”. You can do that by making sure that they are well cared for, but the carer doesn’t have to be you. If that’s “hurtful for you to have to hear”, you need urgent help yourself. You are “under so much stress and don't know what to do”.

You are risking breakdown and injury yourself, and possibly the end of your marriage. Find someone appropriate to talk this through with.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report
lealonnie1 Mar 26, 2026
Omg, I just read the profile! OP.....since your mother is bedridden, now is the perfect time to put her on a healthy diet to lose 150 lbs. Since she cannot get her own food, you and dad must bring it to her. If she yells and screams, put in earplugs. She's likely to become mobile again once she's at a healthier weight. Don't enable her obesity. Since you work ft, this is on dad during your work hrs.
(6)
Report
Your first obligation is to your husband.
Your parents have other options. Find an assisted living or skilled nursing home for them. It has become too much of a burden on you and is unfair to your spouse to be expected to help take on this burden.
Your parents can not help growing older or suffering from ailments. It is a part of life. But it is not your job to take care of everything for them. You can place them in a setting where they can get all the help they need from professionals (who get to go home after their shift) and still be a loving daughter who visits and advocates for them.

If you insist on taking care of them at home, at least consider a short respite stay in a care home - for a week or two - allowing you and your husband to take a vacation, or to simply take a break and re-connect.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to CaringWifeAZ
Report
Beethoven13 Mar 25, 2026
Agree. A week or 2 every 2 months on an ongoing basis. Both of them. They go to respite stay and they pay. Even if you and husband don’t go anywhere. You don’t need to tell them why or have a reason. Other than this is what you and husband need for your health in order to continue to care for them.
(5)
Report
See 1 more reply
You won’t have a marriage by the time your parents are gone.. You had better figure this out because your husband is angry at this situation and there is a possibility he could leave.

Your husband is your priority. . He comes first. Figure out what needs to be done to get help in or put them in AL.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Hothouseflower
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter