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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I would second Rosered6. My parents moved to an independent living apartment in September due to my dad's dangerous decision making. He hates it there. My mom, who is his primary caretaker and totally independent herself, doesn't really like it but knows that if they move home her burden will increase. Having someone other than us (secondary caretakers) visit them regularly would be so helpful. My dad says things like, "I'm just sitting in this apartment waiting to die." Yet, he won't go places, do activities, or sit and socialize with other residents. He is definitely an attention seeker and that behavior is getting worse and worse with his dementia. I am losing my ability to empathize. I would love for someone else to give him attention.
I will add what sounds good but is totally useless? ALL of the government "help" agencies and support group meetings and caregiver class opportunities. I have called and left messages...never returned. I have asked physicians for help...they refer to these agencies. I don't have time for support groups or classes. We need actual assistance, not words. These programs are all about redirecting us the same way we are redirecting our Alzheimer/Dementia loved ones. They don't have real tangible assistance. They have words....lot of words....no tangible help. Totally worthless.
Caregiver support groups can intensify the feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness because we often take on the added miseries of others in the group. Instead of only being depressed with our own situation, we're then depressed about everyone else's too.
Plus the facilitators of such groups don't seem to have the training they need to make the group meeting a positive experience. Sometimes one attendee grabs the narrative and you're listening only to her spiel about blah blah blah. When others can't participate because she's hogging all the attention, they're being denied their chance to vent or make friends of whatever. So, why attend? And anyway, we need to get home before Aunt Myrtis has her next bowel movement.
One good thing was our local senior center. They were able to bump mom up the four year waiting list for Meals on Wheels, and also I (as the lone Caregiver) was able to get a small check of $160 a month from them to use for diapers, creams, etc. That truly was a massive help to me.
Also, Mom's insurance providing access to us renting a Hospital Bed, and a Hoyer Lift so I didn't have to keep lifting her in and out of bed.
Being the only Caregiver - (unpaid) there was no day to day help.
However, the one thing that I remember that *sounded* good but was USELESS were stupid articles telling me to "take care of myself" and make sure "to ask for help." haha Yeah, right - when it was just me and bed bound Mom. Very, very, very irritating to read that garbage time and time again.
The whole "care for yourself" is utter horse apples. No suggestions as how to locate the magic care Fairy who will dispense their expertise, spells upon the person with dementia and freeing you up to take a round the world luxury cruise. Like where do these people come from who write this utter garbage? Sure, I'd like to take care of myself. A weekend in NYC, museums, music, restaurants would do me a world of good. And when I get back, the person I'm caring for had better be in better shape mentally than when I left.
I tried support groups, presentations by social workers for caregivers, etc. The thing that really hurt was their use of the term "LOVED ONES" used to refer to the people we are caring for. Do this for your loved ones, do that for your loved ones. I was very burned out from caring for my mother and monster may have been a better term for her than loved one, at least at that point in my life. I felt very judged and guilty because I wasn't doing well and didn't have much love left. I even told one of the social workers that they should use a different term. I suggested using something like "person you are caring for" or "person needing care." I finally left the group in tears because I couldn't stand it. I have the feeling that many caregivers are taking care of friends and relatives for whom they don't feel much love, at least at the moment they are doing the caregiving. I just flinched every time I heard the term loved ones.
I'm on your page..relatives and friends say "you are so good to take such good care of him". What is a spouse to do, leave him in the crawl space! No one stepes up to give us a break.
Practical day to day supports can include things that have nothing to do with caregiving. Hire a cleaning service. Have your groceries delivered or do online shop and pickup. Hire someone to take care of lawn care, yard work and snow removal. Hire a pet walker. Compile a list of restaurants that do delivery and food services that provide meals that can be kept on hand to use later. Visit - caregiving can be lonely and having friends come by can really help lighten a bad day. Bring a tray of coffees or snacks from the local shop, and don't outstay your welcome.
I agree with everything you listed! The biggest help to me has been with all of the other responsibilities outside of caregiving. It’s nice when family/friends can take some of those things off your plate once in a while!
Lots of grab bars. Grab bars by the doors leading to the outside. Grab bars by the toilet and going into the shower, and the stairwell leading to our basement. We had grab bars all over my parents' house. You can never have too many. I think it helped, we didn't have many falls.
Make sure there is a walk in shower with a seat, get rid of the bath tub.
Helpful: Having the right tools. A good hospital bed, wheelchair, hoyer lift, commode/shower chair, a ROLL-IN shower (not walk-in, which does NOT accommodate someone who is wheelchair bound!) Lots of bedpads, washable and disposable, diapers, creams and ointments, gloves, wipes, and throw blankets.
Unhelpful: Nothing irks me more than yet another suggestion or reminder to "take care of yourself" !! What does that mean exactly?! The people who utter such nonsense have obviously never been stuck providing 24 hour care for someone, with no help!
My parents hire a housecleaner to clean their house weekly. They could afford to gift me a one time housecleaning. But, they don't. That would be helpful!
They could stop inviting themselves over for dinner once a month. Whenever MY grandchildren come over, my dad and stepmom expect they should be included, but they are actually too busy for family, so it feels belittling as they consult their busy schedule to find an hour on their calendar that works for them to come over and invade my house, while I am taking care of a bed-ridden spouse, 3 grandchildren, and making dinner for EVERYBODY! If you have a family member or a friend who is taking care of a disabled person full time, it's ok if you don't feel compelled to help with the hands on. Understandably, that makes some people really uncomfortable. BUT, Don't make everything about YOU and expect the carer to do things for you in their "spare time"! Don't come over empty-handed and expect the caregiver to play hostess! Bring coffee, snacks, a meal. Clean the dishes in the sink, if there are any. Run the vacuum for them. Fix something that is broken, that the caregiver hasn't had the time or money to take care of. Engage with the ill family member - sit and talk with them, listen to them, bring them something to eat, just keep them pre-occupied for a few minutes! No one wants to do that, because it is uncomfortable, or unpleasant. But what a relief to the caregiver who does it DAILY!
I just want to sit down with your parents and explain to them what you don’t need! I’m so sorry they do not see your struggles. Taking care of my mother at my home was HARD but I can’t imagine how much harder it is with a spouse. I eventually made the choice for memory care because, you are so right, self-care isn’t possible if you have little or no help and a person you care for that can’t be left alone. I wish you well.
As a former live-in sole caregiver of my Mom for over 5 years I would say breaks! If people are willing to come and sit with your person even a few hours to get away it's priceless! At least it was to me. Also the mundane errands like picking up pills or personal care supplies and making meals that can be frozen for your person so you don't always have to cook but they can get a good meal. things that don't help-saying what do you need or I'm here to help if you need me-sounds good but to the caregiver it's more to think about or plan out. If you want to help just find a way yourself and do it! lastly, something no one ever did for me that I think would be great for a caregiver-plan a day for them away from their person and set up the whole thing-a replacement caregiver for the day included...let them feel cared for.
Truly useful for us: - This forum - Understanding how Medicaid is state-run and varies greatly (and basics of how it works in our state) - Understanding how county-based resources vary & what we had access to - Plastic portable urinal for FIL (vs. him spraying half the bathroom) - Automatic/movement-detecting lights all over the place - Touring multiple AL/MC facilities - Having help through https://twincitiescare.com/ (I wish this model existed for all of you everywhere!) - Meals on wheels - Setting up POA & healthcare POA - Grocery/etc delivery & curbside pickup - Automating all bill paying - Centralizing all account details - Switching to geriatric specialists who understand Medicare & Alzheimer's - Using the 8-wk Medicare home help after every incident/assessment - Maximizing VA benefits (in-home caregiving, equipment, Rx, meal supplements) - Preplanning/buying funerals
Didn't work for us: - Installing bidets for change-resistant seniors - Thinking we could reverse declines with the right food/therapy/etc formula - Taking responsibility for others' happiness - Believing in the security/dependability of sibling relationships
And I know from this forum specifically, the absolutely most useful thing we have had going for us is kind, loving, mostly-compliant seniors. I seriously cannot imagine going through the amount of work and stress and responsibility caregiving entails to entitled, bi***y, narcissistic individuals who having built up a history of providing care and love.
Finally, one of the most valuable things I've obtained/learned is how to leverage this knowledge for myself and my husband. Knowing more about the systems, funding, physical changes, etc, helps me plan better for us and reduces some of the stress that comes from putting on blinders about the future.
-Cleaning service--once a month, or biweekly, or weekly, whatever you can afford
-Septic pump out--if you have a septic system get it pumped out on the recommended schedule
-Fix broken things--several others have mentioned. This was constant. Something was always breaking: blender, washer, dryer, wifi network, frig, oven, irrigation, locks on doors, car, cable tv, hvac, well water softening system etc.
-Build a network of local repair guys. Pay them promptly. Be nice to them. You need these guys for the stuff you can't fix yourself.
-Have PCP prescribe Physical Therapist to come out to the house. He recommended what kind of grab bars to get and exactly where to install them.
--Be creative about services/vendors in your area. Mom's house had a water softening system due to the iron in the well water. The problem was you had to lift a 50 pound bag of salt and dump in the top of a tall tank. This was very difficult for a woman to manage and we had to do this about every 8-10 weeks or so. After struggling with this for years I learned the water softening company would come out and do this for very very little money. They were hired.
Useless--the "Be good to yourself" mantra. This was useless
Mixed--Let go of anger that you have at family members not helping. I carried this anger at my sister for 6 years for not even visiting once in 6 years. It would have been healthier if I had been able to let this anger go.
Great suggestions for getting and staying organized. Under "Mixed" that is where I am now - trying to deal with the anger and disappointment I have with my sister for not helping. It's been 7 years and other than keeping her updated weekly about our father I do not speak to her. Yes, there is more to it than just her lack of help with caring for our father but it has shown me a very selfish side of her along with disrespect for me so she is no longer someone I want as part of my inner circle.
tumberg, for me on-line grocery shopping with curb-side pickup was a Godsend. I tried to do both grocery lists inside the store but it became too overwhelming dragging around 2 grocery carts. And since I was still working full-time, going grocery shopping Sat and again on Sun was very time consuming.
If the grocery store overcharged my Mom even 10 cents she wanted me to go back to the store with the item, the receipt and grocery ad. So I just pretended I went back to the store, as it would have cost me more than 10 cents in gasoline. I gave Mom a dime out of my own pocket.
Oh, if you are caring for both parents, make a doctor appt for both of them at the same time (if they both see that specialist). One thing I learned on the paperwork that the front desk gives you to fill out for them... I just drew a line through the paperwork and wrote "same as before".
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I will add what sounds good but is totally useless? ALL of the government "help" agencies and support group meetings and caregiver class opportunities. I have called and left messages...never returned. I have asked physicians for help...they refer to these agencies. I don't have time for support groups or classes. We need actual assistance, not words. These programs are all about redirecting us the same way we are redirecting our Alzheimer/Dementia loved ones. They don't have real tangible assistance. They have words....lot of words....no tangible help. Totally worthless.
Plus the facilitators of such groups don't seem to have the training they need to make the group meeting a positive experience. Sometimes one attendee grabs the narrative and you're listening only to her spiel about blah blah blah. When others can't participate because she's hogging all the attention, they're being denied their chance to vent or make friends of whatever. So, why attend? And anyway, we need to get home before Aunt Myrtis has her next bowel movement.
Also, Mom's insurance providing access to us renting a Hospital Bed, and a Hoyer Lift so I didn't have to keep lifting her in and out of bed.
Being the only Caregiver - (unpaid) there was no day to day help.
However, the one thing that I remember that *sounded* good but was USELESS were stupid articles telling me to "take care of myself" and make sure "to ask for help." haha Yeah, right - when it was just me and bed bound Mom. Very, very, very irritating to read that garbage time and time again.
No one stepes up to give us a break.
Make sure there is a walk in shower with a seat, get rid of the bath tub.
Unhelpful: Nothing irks me more than yet another suggestion or reminder to "take care of yourself" !! What does that mean exactly?! The people who utter such nonsense have obviously never been stuck providing 24 hour care for someone, with no help!
My parents hire a housecleaner to clean their house weekly. They could afford to gift me a one time housecleaning. But, they don't. That would be helpful!
They could stop inviting themselves over for dinner once a month. Whenever MY grandchildren come over, my dad and stepmom expect they should be included, but they are actually too busy for family, so it feels belittling as they consult their busy schedule to find an hour on their calendar that works for them to come over and invade my house, while I am taking care of a bed-ridden spouse, 3 grandchildren, and making dinner for EVERYBODY!
If you have a family member or a friend who is taking care of a disabled person full time, it's ok if you don't feel compelled to help with the hands on. Understandably, that makes some people really uncomfortable. BUT, Don't make everything about YOU and expect the carer to do things for you in their "spare time"!
Don't come over empty-handed and expect the caregiver to play hostess! Bring coffee, snacks, a meal. Clean the dishes in the sink, if there are any. Run the vacuum for them. Fix something that is broken, that the caregiver hasn't had the time or money to take care of. Engage with the ill family member - sit and talk with them, listen to them, bring them something to eat, just keep them pre-occupied for a few minutes! No one wants to do that, because it is uncomfortable, or unpleasant. But what a relief to the caregiver who does it DAILY!
things that don't help-saying what do you need or I'm here to help if you need me-sounds good but to the caregiver it's more to think about or plan out. If you want to help
just find a way yourself and do it!
lastly, something no one ever did for me that I think would be great for a caregiver-plan a day for them away from their person and set up the whole thing-a replacement caregiver for the day included...let them feel cared for.
- This forum
- Understanding how Medicaid is state-run and varies greatly (and basics of how it works in our state)
- Understanding how county-based resources vary & what we had access to
- Plastic portable urinal for FIL (vs. him spraying half the bathroom)
- Automatic/movement-detecting lights all over the place
- Touring multiple AL/MC facilities
- Having help through https://twincitiescare.com/ (I wish this model existed for all of you everywhere!)
- Meals on wheels
- Setting up POA & healthcare POA
- Grocery/etc delivery & curbside pickup
- Automating all bill paying
- Centralizing all account details
- Switching to geriatric specialists who understand Medicare & Alzheimer's
- Using the 8-wk Medicare home help after every incident/assessment
- Maximizing VA benefits (in-home caregiving, equipment, Rx, meal supplements)
- Preplanning/buying funerals
Didn't work for us:
- Installing bidets for change-resistant seniors
- Thinking we could reverse declines with the right food/therapy/etc formula
- Taking responsibility for others' happiness
- Believing in the security/dependability of sibling relationships
And I know from this forum specifically, the absolutely most useful thing we have had going for us is kind, loving, mostly-compliant seniors. I seriously cannot imagine going through the amount of work and stress and responsibility caregiving entails to entitled, bi***y, narcissistic individuals who having built up a history of providing care and love.
Finally, one of the most valuable things I've obtained/learned is how to leverage this knowledge for myself and my husband. Knowing more about the systems, funding, physical changes, etc, helps me plan better for us and reduces some of the stress that comes from putting on blinders about the future.
-Cleaning service--once a month, or biweekly, or weekly, whatever you can afford
-Septic pump out--if you have a septic system get it pumped out on the recommended schedule
-Fix broken things--several others have mentioned. This was constant. Something was always breaking: blender, washer, dryer, wifi network, frig,
oven, irrigation, locks on doors, car, cable tv, hvac, well water softening system etc.
-Build a network of local repair guys. Pay them promptly. Be nice to them.
You need these guys for the stuff you can't fix yourself.
-Have PCP prescribe Physical Therapist to come out to the house. He recommended what kind of grab bars to get and exactly where to install them.
--Be creative about services/vendors in your area. Mom's house had a water softening system due to the iron in the well water. The problem was you had to lift a 50 pound bag of salt and dump in the top of a tall tank. This was very difficult for a woman to manage and we had to do this about every 8-10 weeks or so. After struggling with this for years I learned the water softening company would come out and do this for very very little money. They were hired.
Useless--the "Be good to yourself" mantra. This was useless
Mixed--Let go of anger that you have at family members not helping.
I carried this anger at my sister for 6 years for not even visiting once in 6 years. It would have been healthier if I had been able to let this anger go.
If the grocery store overcharged my Mom even 10 cents she wanted me to go back to the store with the item, the receipt and grocery ad. So I just pretended I went back to the store, as it would have cost me more than 10 cents in gasoline. I gave Mom a dime out of my own pocket.
Oh, if you are caring for both parents, make a doctor appt for both of them at the same time (if they both see that specialist). One thing I learned on the paperwork that the front desk gives you to fill out for them... I just drew a line through the paperwork and wrote "same as before".
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