I have been caring for my two sick parents for nearly five years. Mum has dementia and Dad is a cancer survivor with many other medical issues. I have several siblings (7); I am the middle child and none really helped so far, yet, call me all names under the sun, since, they yell via emails, mostly, that I am the worst person on earth when I dare to ask for anything... yet some of them havent even visited them for over 3 years, I think. Important to highlight, dad has no dementia but wont ask them (out of pride) and always come up with excuses as to why I am the only one running around trying to make things work despite my full time work which allows them to be comfortable at this stage of their life. Similarly to other caregivers, I am tired, stressed, and had to give up so many things starting this "role" at the age 36 to make sure both my parents are ok. I have been vocal about it to all my siblings, family friends and to dad. I hit a moral limit when I had to drive for an important medical appointment last year, 2 days, after having surgery despite telling my Dad that, on that occasion, he needs to ask on his many adult children to drive him... Earlier this year, my workplace was contemplating redudancies and I once yelled back at dad that I am always around I might loose my job... yet he wont ask the others... when I told him that I could not everything and he said all the others do work lol. Recently, dad lied to me about something not important to cover for one of my siblings and it has been a week that I stopped talking to him. I come and take care of my mum on wds and visit few times a week but I dont talk to him anymore. Both parents, were not very nice people growing up and now I am the punching ball when they are having a bad day. I keep telling myself that I do it for me and not for them. I refuse to put myself to their level and choose to look at caring as a form of rebellion against the toxicity I was raised up around. One thing I have been struggling with, though, is I observed my parents, siblings, family friends and also some of my close friends choosing to stay silent on the situation that is unfair even if they have known the whole family for my whole life. I try not to judge them but I find it incredible and at times. It messes up with my mental health how everyone around us won't adress the issue with my siblings not helping at all or even withness abusive behaviour from my father when I am obviously left to my own and doing this biiiig of a job! I would love to hear opinion from other caregivers!
I don't want to ride in a car with someone other than my husband or mother. I don't even want someone riding with me when I drive. If someone I work with said "let's drive down to see this customer", I would panic and say I'll drive myself separately. If they asked to ride in my car with me, I'd panic.
I can only let a certain person cut my hair, and I still have panic attacks in the middle of a haircut.
Lots of people don't understand these things because it's really unusual. They might think my actions need fixing. I appreciate people who are tolerant of me.
So I try not to judge people who don't want to be around someone with dementia. They have lots of reasons and they might not make sense to me. Sometimes we don't make sense and we don't help a situation, but we're not all horrible in every way.
But I will be petty in that, don't ask me for anything when your old and need care. Thats your kids job.